I just came back from India, full of love towards my new life and gratitude for being able to share this practice around the world.
I LOVE travelling, but I also love having a base to come back too. So, after 3 weeks away I was very excited to be home, spend time with my Love, come back to my routine and my practice.
The days were flying by, being back teaching in the Shala was soo nice and giving, but even though everything was going great, my body felt kind of weird… (Being so in contact with it, can sometimes make you go a little crazy if there are minor deviations from normality…)
I felt heavy, stiff and…there was just something different.
The differences were obviously explained (in my mind) by the jet lag, change of weather, routines, food…
So, I started to wear my “sweat gear” during practice, asking for extra “pulling help” from my teacher during mysore and went for a drastic change in diet.
When all that didn’t work, I thought it would be a good idea to do a “juice detox cleanse”, 3 days, only greens…usually helping to reboot the system.
Even though I wasn’t so “in sync” with my body, my mind was stronger (or maybe totally closed), and my practice was full Ashtanga intermediate series followed by a pretty big slice of AdvanceA and all the handstands\tic tocs sequences to close it off (if you are not known with the Ashtanga sequence, just imagine something really really hard 😉 ).
In the meantime…I realized I was late (yes, the typical “girls” kind of late)…and my boobs were getting pretty “important”…But then again…that was nothing that hadn’t happened in the past…
It was when my Mum’s flight got cancelled to come and visit, and my total hysterical / non-stop crying crash reaction from it, that made me understand I had start considering alternative reasons for the changes.
I took a test (or 2 or 3) and the result was…“gravid-gravid-gravid”.
Phone - Call Husby
Call again. And again. And again until…
“I am pregnant!
I am pregnant!!!
Are you kidding me?
DOES IT SOUND LIKE I AM JOKING WITH YOUUUUU?????
After a little while…”Babe, that’s amazing!!!”
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t in total shock at the beginning.
I know that motherhood is the most precious gift, but… my whole life already changed completely in the past year, am I ready to change it again?
And what about my dreams? My goals? Travels? Studies?
I totally freaked out. I was an emotional roller-coaster before I managed to calm down.
My body was fine in beginning, I kept my practice going and tried to act like nothing was really happening.
And then, BOOM. It hit me like a slap to my face.
There was no way I could stay awake, EVER!!
Me, the hyperactive-multitasking-energy boosting woman… I didn’t manage to do anything at home, going for a walk without passing out before I reached the door step, or even getting out of bed.
And then…the nausea...24/7.
Everything I always loved eating and drinking was a “NO GO”. All the things that I avoided for years said “EAT ME!!!”
And then, the practice, my only way to stay “sane” through this, became an impossible thing to do…
Even with gentle calm movements, my eyes would get dark, I would feel dizzy and at every downward dog the nausea would come up to my ears.
I had to let go.
I couldn’t work, I couldn’t practice, I couldn’t make any plans or drink my beloved coffees…
Everything was topped up with a huge level of frustration, a good dose of loneliness and weather that would scare Madre Teresa…
Why didn’t anyone tell me about this???
Am I worse or unluckier than others, or do women just feel the pressure to play the super-woman and extra gifted mum card??
I can promise you that, no matter how happy you are with having a little angel growing inside you, the feeling of not being totally in control and very sick for weeks, does not make the pregnancy a beautiful thing!!!
At least in the beginning…
Don’t take me bad…it’s not that I am not really happy about this, or that I don’t find myself super lucky to have this amazing gift in my life, I am aware that getting pregnant is not something to be taken for granted.
I just wanted to share the fact that pregnancies not necessarily are easy walks in the park, or just an excuse to take some time off work and eat a little more…
If only women learned to support each other, rather than always play the card of “who is best? Who is prettiest? Who is happiest?”, life would be a much better an easier place to live in. I know this sounds like a cliché, but…it doesn’t help when you are flooded with pictures and stories of pure happiness in our “world of sharing”.
When I am not able to do what I should be doing, I feel like a total looser. I feel like I let people down. I feel I’m gonna be forgotten and that my “time” is up…
And it’s exactly during these times that I understand how hard, self-obsessed and attached I am…
The biggest learning from these past months is that it is totally ok not to be at the top all the time. To be scared and to be moody.
Being pregnant is really teaching me to let go and to accept.
I am sure there will be many more lessons coming up…
On those I’ll keep you posted!